Member Feature 1 - Mike

Member Feature 1 - Mike

“I wanna be like Mike.” Everyone in our crew has uttered this phrase. Not Michael Jordan. Our Mike. I will refer to him as Stealth from here because his tactics should be illegal; he’s on next level shit only aliens know about. By my count, Stealth once hooked up with a different girl 8 nights in a row. Stealth owns at least 3 of the 5 best stories I’ve ever heard. Described as “smooth” by a source, Stealth has performed pick-ups that leave pick-up artists scratching their heads. As a silent assassin, Stealth watches from the sideline most of the night. However, once the clock strikes 1:30AM, consider him a jungle cat yearning for a tasty snack.

Stealth prepares for the attack with a highly developed ritual. He exhales “Chica!!” to every member of the opposite sex in his vision. The trance begins. Things appear to move slower as he develops a heightened sense of things. The intensity and volume of the chant increases. He continues the ritual by performing the raptor dance; he tucks his elbows in and protrudes his wrists outward. The dance is not complete without a coke in one hand and a beer in the other. Mimicked my many, only Stealth can use this tactic to his advantage. A target appears in Stealth’s vision. She sees him too. He’s going in. She tries to escape, but it is too late. He locks eyes with her and says, “It’s hot in here,” with a smile capable of melting any girl’s heart. Simple, subtle, and effective.

In rare cases where Stealth does not deem las chicas in a bar/club worthy of his affection, he brings his talents to the pavement. Its overtime! Most people wilt under such circumstances, but Stealth has been conserving energy all night. The effect of the raptor dance climaxes; Stealth becomes immortal. Whether asking a complete stranger if she wants to split a cab or if she can give him a ride back to his car at 2:00AM, no female can resist his sensual smile.

As dawn approaches, Stealth becomes Mike again: the everyday regular normal guy who doesn’t remember where he parked his car the night before.

                    - M. Night Thunder