Big Hoop Earrings: How Big is too Big?

I don’t know about you, but when I see a girl with a pair of outlandish big hoop earrings, my first thought is: damn, this girl is looking for some D in her P. Let’s not confuse the average big hoop wearer with the chonga. Same genus, different species. For those of who don’t know, a chonga is a Latina who thinks she’s all that. Big hoop earrings are a staple in the daily wardrobe of a chonga. The average chonga has an accent that is disgusting even though she was born in America, chews 6-13 pieces of gum at a time, and generally is pretty fucking annoying. So you must be thinking… are all chongas whores? In my opinion they are, but that is an argument for a different day. I digress.

At this point, you either agree or disagree with my insinuation that big hoop wearers are avid riders of the disco stick. For those who completely disagree, I will relive the moment that led me to believe that big hoop wearers are on a mission:

A friend of a friend wants me to watch her purse while she goes to the bathroom. As she gets back, I tell her that the loop on her purse looks like a ginormous big hoop earring. She turns to me in the straightest face and says, “The bigger the hoop the bigger the whore: when I wear mine, I wear them below the shoulders.” At this point I crack a smile because I think she is joking. All I get in return is a blank stare. If that doesn’t turn you haters into believers, stop reading.

Glad we’re on the same page. My question is: how big is too big? I think we can all agree that girls with small hoops can be left out of this discussion. This includes hoops that are smaller than 2 inches in diameter. The next group may be somewhat controversial. I call this group the Training Wheel Group. It includes hoops that are 2.5-3 inches in diameter. They’re not big, but they’re not small either. As one girl (different girl from before) so eloquently put it, “Maybe I’m a whore in training.” This makes me think that girls with medium hoops can swing either way. They can go from prude to promiscuous the way Brett Favre… you know what I mean. I’m not sure about this though, it’s only a theory at this point. Feedback would be appreciated.

Finally, onto the big hoop wearers. In my opinion, 4 inch hoops are full-fledged whore status. Most of the time when I see a girl with 4 inch hoops, the rest of the outfit matches the look. Shirts with artificial tears in them (so Abercrombie & Fitch in 7th grade). Tight spandex looking pants. Stripper heels. I almost forgot the hair – in most cases it is pulled back, sometimes gelled.

Some of this stuff may be controversial with the female audience (if we have one), but I call it like I see it. If you want to voice your opinion, leave a comment.

- B (still working on a nickname)